Always loved

When dreaming and talking about how many children I would like, I’ve always said three, ever since I was a teenager to now.
We have two beautiful children who are age one and three. I feel very blessed to have them, despite all my health problems and difficult pregnancies and birth.
We found out we were expecting our third child right at the beginning of 2015. We were shocked and excited. We just didn’t know when it may happen or whether it would take years, or even if we could have another child.
Unlike with my other children, I didn’t announce it as soon as finding out, which was unusual for me. I just didn’t feel it was the right time. I also had a little bit of bleeding. I know we shouldn’t, but I looked online and it said it was probably implantation. I decided not to seek advice because I thought well it was either going to end quite soon in miscarriage or carry on.
It was only light. It stopped and I felt more confident. I was getting an increase in nausea, sore breasts, and increase in heartburn, along with headaches and cramping, and more tiredness than I usually get.
I booked in and saw midwife, who decided to refer me under the care of the ELAN team who give more support, and arranged a booking scan for when I would be around 11-12 weeks.
I became quite poorly, wasn’t sure what was causing it, and GP also found a heart murmur. I had a temperature, pain in joints, and had been having on and off chest pain, increase in palpitations and just not feeling well at all.
I went into hospital for a few days to try and investigate what was going on. The infectious disease team came to see me too, as they were concerned I was pregnant and unwell with some kind of infection going on. A rash appeared while I was in hospital on my arms and hands then my feet as well.
They discharged me and said probably a virus but unsure and some tests would come back next week.
The day after I came home I had a red blood clot come out. I was very upset and immediately asked my partner to take me to A and E, especially with me being very unwell and not know what was causing it.
In A and E, they just did a pregnancy test which was positive, and referred me to an appointment later on in the week at the early pregnancy unit, and reassured that bleeding can happen in pregnancy.

At the early pregnancy unit, I was nervous. It was the first scan and appointment since the bleed on the weekend.
The infectious disease doctor also wanted to meet me at my appointment to see how I was and if any results came through.
The scan showed a little baby moving about and a heartbeat! I felt so relieved!
The infectious disease doctor came after I had the scan, and told me I had parvo virus. I’ve never heard of it before and he said it was a fairly common illness in children and more rare for adults to have it. Then the warning came. It is dangerous in pregnancy to the unborn baby. It can cause miscarriages and defects with life threatening problems.

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Because I had just had the scan, and they saw the baby moving and a heartbeat, I felt a little more positive and wasn’t as worried.
They said I would have to have weekly scans to keep an eye on the baby.

The next day at home I had a lot of brown blood come out with lots of cramps. I contacted the early pregnancy unit for advice, and they said it was probably old blood from the blood clot from the previous weekend.
I really hoped that was the case. Because it didn’t turn bright red, I waited for my appointment at antenatal clinic on the Tuesday morning.
It felt strange being back at antenatal. I was excited to see my baby again but I also had in my mind, how baby was, because of the diagnoses and previous bleeding. I was very close to paying for the scan token to have some pictures, but for some reason I left it.
When I was called in, as soon as the ultrasound was put on my belly, I said is baby still alive? I was half expecting to say yes of course look.
But she said she was having trouble finding it, and I knew straight away, the baby had died. The heartbeat was seen very quickly, the week before. They did an internal scan through the vagina, and again couldn’t see a heartbeat. I was in shock, somewhat strangely thought it may happen, and then it hit me, that there was a dead baby inside me and wanted the nightmare to be all over with.
They called a midwife to talk to me and i asked if I could go in a side room until my partner picked me up. I didn’t want to sit with the other pregnant women, and I didn’t want to ball my eyes out in front of anyone.
The midwife explained that I had to come back in 7 days, to the early pregnancy unit, to rescan to confirm. It’s part of the procedure. I completely understand if it was the first scan, I would want to be checked again, but because I knew the baby had passed, it felt so hard to think I had to stay in this pain all week knowing my dead baby was inside me.
They said it was possible the baby may pass before I came back.
I was worried about this because I didn’t know how I would cope giving birth to my dead baby, while trying to look after my two children.
Closer to the weekend the cramps increased a lot. A couple of times I thought the baby was going to come out. I felt extremely sick, shivering and shaking, with the cramps, with my head pounding.
A wonderful lady, I had met from a parenting group on Facebook, was so helpful during the whole process, she was supporting from the very moment I told her I was pregnant and my concerns, through to the bleeding and finding out the baby had died.

Tuesday came. I know the baby had died. But a part of me thought, maybe there was hope.
My baby had passed away.
I still feel lost for words. I feel like I should write more, pour my heart out, but I’m blank.
I decided to have medical help. I took a tablet that stops the production of the hormone progesterone. I would need to return to the hospital in two days time, to take more medication, and pass the baby and placenta in hospital.
For me, I wanted to do it in hospital. Reasons such has, I’ve got multiple health conditions, previous blood transfusions and complications. As well as going through it all by myself with the children in the house with me.
It was horrible. The placenta came out first about 3 hours after the first pessary tablets. There was so much more blood than I expected.
I felt another plop like feeling inside, which must have been the baby. It didn’t come out. I rang the nurse to say I think the baby is stuck. She gave more pessary tablets and 3 hours later asked one of the practitioners to have a look inside my cervix/womb.
I was right. The baby was stuck and they pulled it out.

They offered at the previous appointment to send the baby off for testing, and I agreed. Because I felt, if it was the parvo virus that had done this then it should be recorded and more awareness made of it.
I hadn’t heard of it until this had happened to me.
If I knew of an outbreak of parvo, say at my sons school, then I may have taken precautions.

I go back in a couple of weeks to check it’s complete, and to get the results from histology.
It may not show a reason why but my reasons for above I feel is important.

I bought this beautiful baby and wings made of soap.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Gill xxx says:

    Beautifully written Rhian, and so very ,very sad .xxxx

  2. Samantha says:

    Oh Rhian, this is so beautifully written but ever so sad. I really feel for you all, it is the most heartbreaking thing for you to go through. I truly believe that you are such a strong and beautiful woman, I wish you all the love and luck in the world.

    Lots of love,
    Sam Bedford x

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